Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?

If anybody hasn't seen that video yet stop reading and go to YouTube right now.

The playground is getting rougher and shovier over in the Primary race. Bush has backed Romney, Gingrich's best $$$$$ friend is looking to ditch him because he's..losing... and Santorum is fishing in the bottom half of the country for all of his new friends. God help us if he wins Texas.

It's as if everyone was invited to a birthday party at Obama's and nobody wanted to go but their parents made them.

Sorry for all of the middle school references I've been reading a lot about the movie 'Bully' and I'm having flashbacks to the cruel and sadly appropriate age the candidates are acting.

K, SO.

Everyone is tired of this race already. Everybody is just screaming over each other and it's becoming redundant so today I thought I'd make Batman analogies instead.

Even though Santorum took up Mississippi, Alabama and Louisianna - the three states arguably most mocked for their wholesome good hearted southern backwardsness, Romney is still considered the most viable of the race so far. It's not just that he's pocketed the most delegates or that he will one day grow up to be the guy from Monopoly, it's that he's just more moderate and it's less scary.

So let's put Romney and Santorum in the context of Batman villains to explain why Romney is the most relatable and defeatable. And let's say Santorum is, idunno, the Scarecrow. This guy loves fear mongering, he loves to discuss Satan I don't know if the Scarecrow was into that but I'm sure it doesn't hurt to assume. He wants to take over America with a mix of noxious fear and what is most likely pent up aggression about all the guilt of masturbation he had to deal with growing up. Romney will be the Penguin. I recognize that Dick Cheney embodies this but I'm going to allow dual association here because they are both Penguin in their own way. Romney: misunderstood, and one of the rare few who makes sense wearing a monacle. He wants to be adored, and to lead an army of freaks (the exorbitantly rich) out of the sewers (mansions) to take over Gotham (America). Cheney just resembled him more, and probably eats raw animals as well. I don't know I can only assume.

I'd like to say this makes Obama Batman, and so I will. The tragic hero set up to be the face of everything Gothmerica loves and fears, needs and resents and will be blamed when things go wrong. Unfortunately I can't think of a single Batman plot that ever involved hours of Batman and the villains arguing over taking away women's rights or whether everybody should be allowed accessible health care. Actually scratch that it's not unfortuante at all, it would make for an incredibly tedious and irritating graphic novel and a boring career for Frank Miller. Although I'm sure Christopher Nolan could still have adapted a badass movie of it.

This would make Max Shreck the GOP trying to help Romney Cobblepot talk to the public and run for office. Although I think Max Shreck did a better job but, whatever they both hate their candidate so it's a tough situation from the get-go. Although I think things will end more savagely than they did in Batman Returns because the fight is going to be through the media and I don't know about you but I think that is far more dangerous than a bunch of missile-strapped penguins. But still the public can get behind him because, you know, you kind of want to see what he'll do next. And yet Obatman will eventually defeat this Rompenguin because nomatter how attractive new tries to be if it's still a raw fish eating weirdo underneath it's going to shine through. This is a moral.

Santorum as the Scarecrow attracts exactly the crowd that would be into hallucinogens. God's hallucinogens in his case. And all he wants to do is destroy Gotham (America) by spreading his poison gas (self-righteous rhetoric on how only Christians know how to handle social issues) everywhere to KILL the citizens (' rights and freedoms to make choices that aren't in the bible). Scarecrow did it because he was picked on as a child. HM.

Batman gets him too.

Okay that's my daily quota of Batman Politics. A topic I am perpetually happy to revisit.

White men can't jump (or have children).

So I've been sitting on this topic for a while, just letting it heat up to boiling point. I've debated getting into the use of women's rights as a political tactic because it is very difficult to make a strong argument for women as a woman, in that hypocritical patriarchical way our country identifies with, but it's something that calls for defense regardless. It's particularly difficult to be female defending females, because society and media has made damn sure that women hating women is what men are most comfortable with. But here we are, front and center again so if anyone wants to call it a feminist rant or blame my hormones, you can come say it to my face.

Where to even begin. So it's come to my (and the entire northern hemisphere's) attention that abortion and contraceptive use is what's wrong with this country. Here is my abridged list of what I consider to actually be wrong with this country, in light of this political atmosphere:


1. Rush Limbaugh. Attacking a private citizen about her sex life is pretty 90's, bro. Not to mention ethically abhorrent, because if you can reduce an educated woman who is exercising free speech to make a case for contraceptive coverage to a prostitute, I wonder how loosely we can use that definition in the future. Birth control has many purposes, not all of which are about having sex. There are plenty of health related reasons women use contraceptives, reasons Rush Limbaugh is happy to ignore in order to call women who use birth control sluts and tell them that he wants to watch their sex tapes. Both creepy and ignorant. You should do that bit at your birthday party. Invite all of your sponsors they'll love it.

2. The fact that we are discussing abortion. STILL. How often is a progressive move like legalizing abortion overturned? Where is the logic decades after Roe v. Wade, as we move forward generationally and as a culture that we would choose to suddenly regress into some kind of puritanical society where women are forced to have a child nomatter how it was conceived? This is like some bizarre dystopian nightmare. I have no idea why it's okay for grown men to cover their ears and try to scream over the reality of rape, incest and broken condoms. I'd say generally when push comes to shove a broken condom is going to present a stronger argument than God when it comes to the decidision to have a child. Wrapping this issue up in the misinformed, stifling blanket of pro-life doesn't change the reality that it is anti-choice. Not taking into account that there is a certain psychological trauma that is inherent in having a child of rape or incest, and that this child that you're so graciously forcing all precious life upon even though nobody asked you, old white men, to do that, this child may end up living a life fraught with resentment and confusion because you have forced an identity on another human being that they did not ask for.

So thanks again, privilaged white men I'm sure have thoroughly googled this and know exactly what it must feel like to be forced to have a child. Puritan America really was the golden age.
Oh and make sure to really hammer home your future points about people abusing the welfare system when we're dealing with over population. Be sure all the teenage moms and low-income mothers who had their rapists babies aren't trying to pull a fast one on the rest of privilaged America.

3. Arguing that Americans are paying for abortions and for contraceptives. Hey reality called it wants it's overwhelming social cost of unexpected pregnancy back.

4. Rick Santorum is a self-righteous jackass.


There are hundreds more points I can make about this country but I am trying not to dissolve this into a cantakerous survey or a forum to preach. Believing in God or being 'pro-life' for yourself is not the problem, the suggestion that believing in God makes you worthy of making everyone else's decisions for them is the problem. This issue has become especially potent because I consider it to be condescending, regressive and a waste of everybody's time.

Happy Super Tuesday Y'all

So I'm sitting in my liberal apartment in the liberal Democratic SHARP left turn of the state of Massachusetts. Watching the Super Tuesday results roooooollllll in (by the way Santorum has 12% here in MA of course we hate him).

As expected Romney is sweeping his way across the PriCaucusi, snagging Virginia, Vermont, Massachusetts (uhduh), Ohio and Oklahoma. Santorum has Tennessee (jealous, Romney?) and Newt Gingrich probably has a box of tissues at his side. I'm sure Ron Paul has changed the channel by now. 

Newt Gingrich is giving another condescending speech to the audience, ever the bored bitchy teenager complaining to her friends while his wax statue of a wife stands next to him trying to avoid open flame. Don't light your cigarettes near Callista. I bet Santorum is googling 'how babies r made,' because it just makes him so mad and Romney is burning money and laughing since that's how he winds down after a long day.

I can't believe someone hasn't slapped a muzzle on Santorum yet since it's as if every statement that comes out of his mouth is something he picked because he closed his eyes and pointed at a page from the bible. How does somebody being considered for an actual influential position in 2012 get away with saying that rape victims should be forced to have their rapists baby, or that women in combat might compromise a situation because of their emotions. Or that Obama saying that he wants every American child to go to college makes him a SNOB. Seriously who edits this guys speeches? People actually applauded that. Yeah, you're right elitist Obama wants all of America's children to have the opportunity for higher education that is soooo snobby. I can't even believe he wants to make it possible for every child to have the same opportunity that is just a perfect example of the exclusionary and discriminatory behavior generally associated with snobbery PFFT. GOD, Obama. Not everybody is so goddamn fancy as you are. 

Every time Santorum opens his mouth plenty of people who write their opinions on these issues takes to their laptops in a blind fury, and this is not the time to digress into a full fledged rant because this is a holiday after all, but I will for the record express my disbelief at the fact that he is still awkwardly explaining his backwards and extraordinarily detrimental values to anybody who will listen. Oh, and he also said he plans to retroactively nullify all gay marriages in the 8 states that allow them so, we have that to look forward to in the quantum universe in which Santorum has a chance.