It was early in my college career when I first encountered the condescending tone of surprise in a male classmate's voice when he told me that I was smart. I'll never forget how knee-jerk offended I was by his comment and the time it took me to understand what was going on behind it. But more notably it's been something of a hallmark as I continue to receive that same backhanded compliment in different forms throughout my (more) adult life. One of my favorite sayings suggests that feminism is a journey, but I progressively find that feminism is mistakenly considered something that is just for women.
Being a teenager of the early 00's I was faced with a lot of 'media feminism,' basically a mashup of
thin women who are airbrushed to perfection while simultaneously being aggressive and empowered. The secret to this, ladies, is that it's an impossible recipe for failure. Armed with this horrible paradox I grew up trying to achieve being a thin infantalized version of a human woman who is so cute and datable and also a fiercely independent warrior a la any member of TLC who doesn't need a man anyway and probably wears a lot of Tommy Hilfiger tube tops because the 2000s. Obviously if you aren't the only superhuman woman on earth (Beyoncé) this formula doesn't really work, which is why a lot of girls my age became caught in a trap of having false confidence to compensate a severely weak sense of who they actually are, and not just who they are supposed to imitate, due to the emphasis of the success of the physical self over the intellectual self. It was a time when young womens' feminism was being represented by sassy songs about not needing to be paid for but the stereotypes that were supposedly being broken hadn't budged.
Flashing forward to the present, in my mid 20s I've come to finally understand that although I do believe that feminism is a journey that should include both men and women, it's often men that have been socialized to be unable to find a way to deal with this confusing standard. Women are given a lot of social cues, and with awareness at least have the hope of understanding what persona suits our individual characters as well as how we choose to represent ourselves as females . That's the dream at least, and I have found that with age comes the stability and perceptiveness to know what we want and shake off some of those extraordinarily oppressive messages about what we are supposed to be. But men haven't been taught which messages they are meant to disregard, and most of the failed communication and frustration my friends and I have experienced doesn't come from what we're doing wrong, it's from our male peers entering adulthood without having received any guidance about how to interact with the same unclear messages we have been trying to translate since we were children.
Now enter the failure of a generation. I'm not the first girl to experience the novelty of their own intelligence or personality in the eyes of male peers. I once had an ex-boyfriend tell me that I was the first genuinely intelligent girl he had ever dated. As college seniors it's possible that nobody he was partying with in undergrad had revealed an intelligent side, but I consider that a matter of context and the reality that he probably wasn't searching that hard for an intellectual conversation. Interestingly, this same person told me two years later during our subsequent breakup that some of his friends has suggested to him that I was 'domineering' and that he was now taking that into consideration through the course of the breakdown of our relationship. In this incredibly vulnerable time I found myself wondering if I had been too domineering, which I resented. Calling a woman domineering is the same as calling her crazy - it's a way to invalidate her power as a person and her entitlement to her own feelings. The reality is there were 2 years of a successful partnership and any other suggestion is an excuse to feel better about something that is very difficult to process. I came back to the very sad and progressively outdated theme that strength in women means weakness in men and more often than not this insecurity channels itself into blaming the girl for being 'too' or 'not enough' of something. There are many more examples of times when it has been completely legitimate and equal in the ways relationships have ended, but in this absurdly stereotypical case it was a significant shock to experience a level of gender bias that I was naive enough to believe would never effect me so directly.
The biggest perpetrator of this incredibly damaging dynamic is women's classification as either 'cool' or 'clingy' - a word for which there are not enough sarcastic parentheses in the world - and when faced with the prospect of a person who is autonomous and self-sufficient men may succumb to insecurity in their own masculinity, which media and society has taught them is in large part relative to how much women defer to them. There is an epidemic where words like crazy and clingy exist to make women feel insecure about how much they're allowed to feel about a person they are dating or involved with. It's terms like these that automatically decide that the XY in the pair is the one in charge of what happens next and that the XX is fated to wait until judgement has been passed in her favor because any move made of their own self-determination is aggressive or worse, needy. Which is, of course, complete insanity and a massive waste of time for people who could just be enjoying each other's company instead of transferring their manufactured insecurities back and forth.
Which brings me back to the beginning - I'm tired of being the most interesting girl in the room. I want my and other women's ability to appreciate our autonomy to be something that is a given, and not a shocking revelation and later an excuse to find someone too intimidating by default of a painfully outdated social contract. I am hopeful that future situations will allow men to be able to appreciate partnership without it making them feel as though they're having to sacrifice their confidence in their masculinity. There's plenty of discussion about how society has directly oppressed women and it's very worth understanding, but it's also worth focusing on how society has failed men. There are no guidelines for how to collaborate with strong women, only how to fear them and that's where all of us have been failed.
Ultimately, though what I've discussed is acutely relative to the 20-something millenial, all aspects of these confusing biases are worth deconstructing. To begin we need to understand this issue as something that is effecting everybody as part of the human condition, and that despite a lot of misinformation to the contrary feminism is a movement that encompasses both genders.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
Don v. Don
In the wake of the most tragic news of James Gandolfini's death I've been re-watching a lot of The Sopranos to cope. Of course anybody who knows anything about me is aware that The Sopranos is, in my opinion, the best show that's ever graced the airwaves (and yes I've seen and appreciate The Wire). In accordance with this opinion Tony Soprano is and remains the standard by which I judge a good television character. Do I cry when they cry? Am I happy when things go well for them? Am I conflicted 83% of the time? Then yes. Not only has he portrayed one of the most interesting and controversial characters of all time he really kicked off a new age of television where we can finally engage with conflicted protagonists that don't condescend to the idea that audiences need good and bad spelled out to them in gigantic alphabet letters. People are complicated, and we deserve characters that reflect this aspect of reality.
So I've been revisiting my Sopranos 6 season box set and weeping mentally, but all the while I couldn't help but find myself comparing my favorite protagonist to my other favorite protagonist (of late) Don Draper. I didn't realize in the first round, primarily because Mad Men hadn't aired yet but also because Don Draper, until season 6, has only intermittent moments of intrigue that pieced together at a painfully glacial pace. Either way they're both fascinating troubled brooding men and I am going to dig into their similarities and differences with the vigor of somebody who has too much time on their hands to think about fake people.
OKAY getting down to business. Beware of spoilers for both shows!
So the obvious thing that ties these two characters together is their mothers. The mutual mom problem. In Don's case it's painfully glaring where his issues with mothers and women comes from vs. Tony's which, while explained further, are far more subtle and not as much of a motivator for his more destructive actions. The new season shed a lot of light onto Don's mother/prostitute/mother issues and the duality of those themes is almost overwhelming in his case. It does help to make his downward spirals pretty straightforward, though: marrying women, cheating on women, disposing of women. Don sees all women as prostitutes in some form (except for Betty, the actual mother of his children) and as such he continues to create relationships and destroy them as a way to control, reconnect with and ultimately punish his mother and his stepmother who neglected and verbally abused him. Easy peasy.
Tony is a little more complicated, if only because the show doesn't illustrate it with the same easily identified primary colors (red, quite literally in the costuming) as Don's. His issues with Livia aren't brought up over and over again in long term failed attempts at reconciliation. They aren't one of his primary motivations to create and control his image like Don's are and so they come out suddenly and aggressively as debilitating panic attacks, because he chooses not to deal with them at all - of course it does show up here and there with important plot lines, but there are so many other story lines outside of Tony's family issues that it doesn't have as much of a spotlight. Tony's mother was a fantastic monster of a character, constantly controlling and manipulating their family through undermining and victimization. Tony definitely gets around, and one could argue that his need to sleep with everyone comes from the emasculation he and his father both faced, but I personally think it has more to do with his nature and his mid-life crisis, which is referenced more than once during the Tony/Carmella separation quake in season five.
Okay so at the core that is both characters' biggest and most suppressed problems. The next important similarity is their mutual struggle with their status and power. Tony is especially interesting and this is where he really takes the cake (or cannoli?) in the comparison. Tony was bred for this role, he wasn't chosen and he didn't work for it, not in a way the general audience can relate to. This is such an important character point for him. The range of emotions on James Gandolfini's face could perform it's own opera but his boss faces really pinball between a smirk and a scowl. The amused, condescending smirk that always means a tense scene ahead and the scowl and heavy sigh of crushing pressure to make the right decision. Both modes are so important for who Tony is because he has a certain entitlement and an incredibly childish side of himself that uses his power to punish those who strike a nerve with him, of which he has many. He especially utilizes his position when he's angry at somebody for not accepting something he's offered them (Tony Blundetto was a great example and also Steve Buscemi at his creepy featured finest). He takes it incredibly personally when people reject his offers of help and goes straight into petulant payback mode, his power makes him believe that anything he offers should be graciously accepted, it's an honor that he's even offering to help. There's also some stuff there about rejection in general with Tony, but this is definitely one of the worst aspects of his complex and subversive personality.
Unfortch Don also struggles with this, but Don's childish mantra is Don't Touch My Stuff. That's mine. So is that. So is she. They're both giant man-children in their own incredibly overbearing way and Don likes to punish those who infringe on his territory. This comes through with the firm merger, and is both sentimental and painful when it involves people, namely Peggy. Don is a master of professional payback, and he won't apologize for it. He and Tony both use their status to punish those who hit their particular nerve, but in very different ways. His two favorite boss faces are more like eyebrows raised 'what did your idiot mouth just say' and eyebrows furrowed 'get your idiot face out of my infinitely more handsome one.' He clawed his way into his powerful position through charm and ambition and he is not about to share; he also has a bad habit of coveting what other people have and finds ways to also claim those (Silvia) can you even imagine what these two would have been like on a playground together? Yeesh.
Another important thing that these two share is how they handle regret. Obviously they're both mentally unwell uh, to say the least. But Don tends to find more comfort in the sentimental. He thinks he's constantly reinventing himself but really he's just found something new to become sentimental about and believes he's finally discovered his humanity. Often this is some new woman or some other supposed success or loss. When he does end up regretting something he first self-destructs, then finds an outlet usually in somebody or some new idea and begins again. Don has gone through this cycle once or twice a season and most moves end up being lateral. Tony on the other hand ends up piling regret on top of self-loathing and has a breakdown or a panic attack. His sentimentality lies heavily with his family and the idea of the Italian family in general and often that brings him right back to the cause of his self-loathing in the first place. Janice, his mother, Carmella - all women he disappointed and was disappointed by, and all people that he has been firmly conditioned to believe are the only things he should never compromise. And then other times, both characters are totally absolved of regret for things that the audience feels horrible about having happened. Don and Peggy's relationship will never be the same and I personally will never get over Adrianna. Sometimes you watch these plot lines unfold and you can't help but think what an ungodly asshole this character is, and three scenes later you're back on their side. It's fantastic.
That's the abridged overview, this could become a novel if I had the time. Or was getting paid. Ultimately the question is always looming, are these two people sociopaths? They both lie unflinchingly and seem more at odds with those who wronged them then their own morality. But they are also written as products of their past and their culture, so it's hard for an audience to determine and that's what keeps us wanting more.
RIP JG
So I've been revisiting my Sopranos 6 season box set and weeping mentally, but all the while I couldn't help but find myself comparing my favorite protagonist to my other favorite protagonist (of late) Don Draper. I didn't realize in the first round, primarily because Mad Men hadn't aired yet but also because Don Draper, until season 6, has only intermittent moments of intrigue that pieced together at a painfully glacial pace. Either way they're both fascinating troubled brooding men and I am going to dig into their similarities and differences with the vigor of somebody who has too much time on their hands to think about fake people.
OKAY getting down to business. Beware of spoilers for both shows!
So the obvious thing that ties these two characters together is their mothers. The mutual mom problem. In Don's case it's painfully glaring where his issues with mothers and women comes from vs. Tony's which, while explained further, are far more subtle and not as much of a motivator for his more destructive actions. The new season shed a lot of light onto Don's mother/prostitute/mother issues and the duality of those themes is almost overwhelming in his case. It does help to make his downward spirals pretty straightforward, though: marrying women, cheating on women, disposing of women. Don sees all women as prostitutes in some form (except for Betty, the actual mother of his children) and as such he continues to create relationships and destroy them as a way to control, reconnect with and ultimately punish his mother and his stepmother who neglected and verbally abused him. Easy peasy.
Tony is a little more complicated, if only because the show doesn't illustrate it with the same easily identified primary colors (red, quite literally in the costuming) as Don's. His issues with Livia aren't brought up over and over again in long term failed attempts at reconciliation. They aren't one of his primary motivations to create and control his image like Don's are and so they come out suddenly and aggressively as debilitating panic attacks, because he chooses not to deal with them at all - of course it does show up here and there with important plot lines, but there are so many other story lines outside of Tony's family issues that it doesn't have as much of a spotlight. Tony's mother was a fantastic monster of a character, constantly controlling and manipulating their family through undermining and victimization. Tony definitely gets around, and one could argue that his need to sleep with everyone comes from the emasculation he and his father both faced, but I personally think it has more to do with his nature and his mid-life crisis, which is referenced more than once during the Tony/Carmella separation quake in season five.
Okay so at the core that is both characters' biggest and most suppressed problems. The next important similarity is their mutual struggle with their status and power. Tony is especially interesting and this is where he really takes the cake (or cannoli?) in the comparison. Tony was bred for this role, he wasn't chosen and he didn't work for it, not in a way the general audience can relate to. This is such an important character point for him. The range of emotions on James Gandolfini's face could perform it's own opera but his boss faces really pinball between a smirk and a scowl. The amused, condescending smirk that always means a tense scene ahead and the scowl and heavy sigh of crushing pressure to make the right decision. Both modes are so important for who Tony is because he has a certain entitlement and an incredibly childish side of himself that uses his power to punish those who strike a nerve with him, of which he has many. He especially utilizes his position when he's angry at somebody for not accepting something he's offered them (Tony Blundetto was a great example and also Steve Buscemi at his creepy featured finest). He takes it incredibly personally when people reject his offers of help and goes straight into petulant payback mode, his power makes him believe that anything he offers should be graciously accepted, it's an honor that he's even offering to help. There's also some stuff there about rejection in general with Tony, but this is definitely one of the worst aspects of his complex and subversive personality.
Unfortch Don also struggles with this, but Don's childish mantra is Don't Touch My Stuff. That's mine. So is that. So is she. They're both giant man-children in their own incredibly overbearing way and Don likes to punish those who infringe on his territory. This comes through with the firm merger, and is both sentimental and painful when it involves people, namely Peggy. Don is a master of professional payback, and he won't apologize for it. He and Tony both use their status to punish those who hit their particular nerve, but in very different ways. His two favorite boss faces are more like eyebrows raised 'what did your idiot mouth just say' and eyebrows furrowed 'get your idiot face out of my infinitely more handsome one.' He clawed his way into his powerful position through charm and ambition and he is not about to share; he also has a bad habit of coveting what other people have and finds ways to also claim those (Silvia) can you even imagine what these two would have been like on a playground together? Yeesh.
Another important thing that these two share is how they handle regret. Obviously they're both mentally unwell uh, to say the least. But Don tends to find more comfort in the sentimental. He thinks he's constantly reinventing himself but really he's just found something new to become sentimental about and believes he's finally discovered his humanity. Often this is some new woman or some other supposed success or loss. When he does end up regretting something he first self-destructs, then finds an outlet usually in somebody or some new idea and begins again. Don has gone through this cycle once or twice a season and most moves end up being lateral. Tony on the other hand ends up piling regret on top of self-loathing and has a breakdown or a panic attack. His sentimentality lies heavily with his family and the idea of the Italian family in general and often that brings him right back to the cause of his self-loathing in the first place. Janice, his mother, Carmella - all women he disappointed and was disappointed by, and all people that he has been firmly conditioned to believe are the only things he should never compromise. And then other times, both characters are totally absolved of regret for things that the audience feels horrible about having happened. Don and Peggy's relationship will never be the same and I personally will never get over Adrianna. Sometimes you watch these plot lines unfold and you can't help but think what an ungodly asshole this character is, and three scenes later you're back on their side. It's fantastic.
That's the abridged overview, this could become a novel if I had the time. Or was getting paid. Ultimately the question is always looming, are these two people sociopaths? They both lie unflinchingly and seem more at odds with those who wronged them then their own morality. But they are also written as products of their past and their culture, so it's hard for an audience to determine and that's what keeps us wanting more.
RIP JG
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